The struggle continues

In January I wrote that I was 27.5 pounds from goal. Today I am 32 pounds away. I don't like this. I don't like how I look or how I feel. The problems that I alluded to in January are not present now so I have no excuses or legitimate reasons not to get back on program.

Speaking of programs though, I am going rogue for a while because I am angry. I did resume going to WW on the first Monday of February. A special promotion was offered, three months for a certain price. I paid that and unfortunately, that was the only Monday that I attended but that was not WW fault, it was circumstances beyond my control. I am not angry over prepaying for those three months.

A few weeks ago I was reconciling my charge card statement. There was $52 payment to WW. I did not knowingly sign up for this although I had done this previously. Shame on me for not reading the fine print in February, but also shame on the WW staff for not making this clear to me then.

I may fritter away $13 per week on nothing or worse, on junk food, but not for meetings that I could not attend. I still have good feelings about my leader and the members of the Monday meeting but I doubt I will rejoin them soon. I am going to attempt to lose most of the weight on my own and return when I am much closer to goal and then I will pay per meeting, assuming that is still an option.

Here we go again.....

I fell off the proverbial wagon late last summer. I could give you my reason and many would understand but I am here to say that a reason is often an excuse. Does everyone see a difference between an excuse in gaining (or a lapse in any other behavior that you are trying to correct) and a reason, meaning something that was beyond your control?  Going on steroids for a medical condition often causes weight gain but if you need steroids, that is a medical priority which is a reason. 

Instead of being 11.8 pounds from goal as I was last July, I am currently 27.5 pounds away. 

Rats!

Big, fat rats!

But you know what? I'm not beating myself up over this. With the exception of the last two weeks when I embraced a what the hell attitude all too often, I remained aware of intake even when I had stopped tracking. Circumstances of when and where I ate with little time to prepare something that would be good for me resulted in choices that were, at best, the lesser of some evils. Getting through a tough time with my head still screwed on straight tells me I am a survivor, even if a pudgier one than I'd like to be.

I can do this.

I still can't commit to Monday morning meetings but that should change soon. I could try another day or another leader but I want some of my old "normal" back so Mondays with Suzanne and the group of members that I liked is where I want to be. 

This is how life goes. You get thrown curve balls or whatever cliche you prefer. You juggle priorities. If the house is on fire, getting the bed made before the fire department arrives is not a concern. The positive thing about doing something so well for so long is that your awareness keeps tingling even if you've fallen off the wagon and don't quite have the energy to even try to keep up on a given day. No one wants to undo all the good they've accomplished and yet I have done that many time, twice in a BIG way with re-gains. 

If it were easy for those of us with the propensity to gain weight, we'd never have setbacks. Everyone has something. Don't be envious of the person who seems to be naturally slim. They may not have weight issues but there is something serious in their life that they want to change or have changed and struggle to maintain. 

I can do this and I will. One pound, heck...one ounce even, at a time. 

See you at the scales with a smile, not tears. 

I've been a slacker

I've been a slacker, both in weight loss effort and in posting here.

I haven't given up....far from it....I've just been comfortable and frankly, have given myself a break on watching every point.

Why? Sometimes I overextend myself. I try to "be" and do too many things all at the same time, and I need to be good if not excellent at them. Whoa....egotistical? I don't think it is ego because I'm not looking for approval from others, it is an internal struggle. Maybe it is the Virgo in me.

Anyway, I've been taking a lot of art classes and enjoying them....until I do something that either greatly disappoints me (ugh! that looks like hell!) or something that I simply do not enjoy but it was the scheduled lesson.

I was always a good student. I never skipped school, never missed turning in an assignment, never copied someone else's work. I loved school then and like taking classes now. The difference is that I am 63 years old, closing in on 64 (how the hell did that happen??) and I am not getting grades on what I do, no degree is being earned and no one is buying my art because I'm not selling.

So what is my problem?

I can be busy and still be relaxed if all of the busy-ness is fun stuff that I want to do. When the fun stuff plus the stuff I should be doing slams into the unexpected and a very full week of scheduled events, I become the high school student who didn't sleep well on Sunday nights because I was overly concerned about the week ahead, both classes and socially. My social life during my public school days was never ideal. I was, to be a blunt, a fat kid for most of those years and was a pariah to many. I had friends but looking back, it was all rather shallow as I only maintained one of those friendships after graduation.

I sometimes need to remind myself that I've come a long way and that I don't have to prove myself to anyone and I should be as nice to myself as I try to be to others. Since repeating this to myself often the past few weeks, I've found a way to indulge in excesses at parties (back to back to back two weeks ago!) and holidays (Memorial Day and July 4th) and still lose slowly. I know that the closer one gets to goal, the slower the loss becomes. Part of it is probably metabolic but I know that a big part is complacency.

When I'm around someone who thinks a person must be productive all the time, I tune them out or consider how agitated they seem when they are preaching that nonsense. It is okay to sit and enjoy the quiet.

I've given myself permission to learn some lessons without doing the project as planned. I've given myself permission to enjoy everything around me without truly losing control of what I eat. I am almost back to my lowest weight in this journey, something that has been up and down 3 pounds since the first of the year. I think I am ready to focus on the finish line, if you want to call goal the finish line. Truthfully, I know that this isn't the case. Maintaining goes on forever, there is no finish. It's rather like housework and laundry.

I think I am ready to start some form of exercise too. Gosh, I hate that word. Guess I need to change my attitude toward that, eh?

Despite chocolate pudding over the past weekend and two fewer Hershey bars in the cottage refrigerator, I am down .6 from last week and that was down .2 from the party-party-party weekend. I'm okay and I plan to stay okay.

Onward and downward, 11.8 to goal.

Chocolate won't help the struggle

There's a new flash for you, right?

It isn't the one slice of birthday cake at a family party or the once a month dinner and dessert out with friends that was hurting me the past few months. I've been losing all along with birthdays, holidays and dinners out. What was different the past few months?

An open candy dish 

This isn't my dish, but if it were, I could easily avoid the Almond Joy and Snickers bars and would pride myself on avoiding the M&Ms because they easily become mindless eating. Does anyone eat only 5 of them? I recognize that about them and declared this a long time ago:

So what's with the other stuff? They are little. Without even a lid on a dish to act as a temporary barrier, one that might slow you down a nanosecond to think, it was way too easy to grab one of those little Hershey bars (yum!) or second place Crunch bars. I won't bother to list the descending order of preferences but I could. 

It should have ended with Cadbury Eggs at Easter but it didn't. I pretended I was buying candy for others who come and go here, and I honestly did avoid the variety packs that heavily favored my preferences (those evil little Hershey or Milky Way bars) but if they were in the mix....guess who ate them?

I KNOW and chances are YOU (my unseen readers) know that those little candy bars have calories and WW points that count, and eating three of them triples that count. Profound, right? 

What is this post REALLY about? 

I'm not saying I will never eat candy again. I'm saying anyone with weight issues has to learn what their weaknesses are and figure out how to live with them. I know ice cream is one of mine and I've come to grips with that. I honestly didn't think candy was a problem. I do like chocolate but I don't think I'm ever out of control with chocolate itself. There is something about these little individually wrapped candies that gets me. 

I came home from a cruise in early February with a gain of 6.4 pounds. The following week, 4.6 pounds of that was gone. Then came Valentine's day and I was up .5 but the following week that was gone again. I have been a seesaw since then. Up .5 or .6, then down the same amount. Or up twice in a row and then down by 2 pounds only to go up again and again. 

GREAT BIG FACT #1:

If I didn't keep coming to WW, if I had said "oh hell" and thrown in the towel, instead of being up and down 1-2 pounds, I would probably be 10 pounds heavier by now. We all know how easy it is to slip into old habits. The love of ice cream that I'm in control of might have gotten a stronger voice and insisted on consoling me over the weight gain that those little candy bars caused. 

GREAT BIG FACT #2:

Once upon a time I would have been down on myself because of this, especially in light of many wonderful WW members telling me that they think of me when they are struggling and that they view me as an inspiration. Most of of us are our worst critics and for years I was no difference. I would encourage someone else struggling in this manner but wouldn't have cut myself any slack at all. It pays to be nice to yourself. We respond to positive comments from others, we need to hear that from that voice inside too. I never stopped giving myself positive feedback, I just had to stop washing it down with a Hershey's. 

GREAT BIG FACT #3:

I love that I look and feel better. I love that I can shop in the regular size departments instead of plus sizes where styles and colors are always more limited. I love that I have more energy to play tag with my grandson. I love that I have been off blood pressure medication for a year. I love that I am in comfortable in my own skin, figuratively and literally. 

Figuratively, I am not bothered by someone encouraging me to have something I don't want to eat by saying "one dessert or one drink isn't going to hurt you" because I know it won't. I just don't want it, or if I do, I will eat/drink it and don't need someone wondering if I am blowing my "diet". Their concerns are theirs, not mine. 

Literally, the loose skin on my arms has been a badge of honor since a busy body informed me "you know you will never get rid of that". I sometimes toy with the idea of beating her into submission with my bat wings but I'm usually too busy and that goes against my pacifist ways. Most of the time If I were more vain, perhaps that would bother me, but if I were more vain, maybe I never would have gotten to highest weight. Perhaps being more vain would make me a less likable person and while this sounds a little boastful, I know that I am likable and that pleases me. 

If someone thinks I'm a little shinier now, it isn't that the essence of who I am has changed, but with less weight dulling the shine, I undoubted am brighter and more confident. 

After a week of awareness with only two Butterfinger minis consumed and back to my regular menus, including occasional fast food meals (just being honest, not claiming they are excellent choices), I am down 2.8 pounds from last week, a new total of 86.5 pounds gone!

Onward and downward!

Slipping into the future

I've been a little lax in posting...a month since my last post. Really? 



My absence here has been partly busyness and partly frustration. I'm not going to lie and say the program doesn't work, the truth is that I wasn't working the program. After losing most of the cruise weight gain (6.4 pounds), I have been up and down the same half pound for weeks.

Losing weight on WW or any other sensible plan is about what you eat as well as what you think. Eating smaller amounts, going all non-fat, whatever your plan is will work but your head needs to wrap around changes if they are going to be permanent. I truly feel that I am eating to live rather than living to eat now, but that doesn't mean there aren't little slip ups and set backs.

WW rolled out the new Smart Points with an emphasis on less added sugars and processed foods. No body can honestly argue that merits of this. On the old Points Plus program, frozen WW treats, items that I enjoyed, had a much lower point value. In meetings, we discussed how treats aren't really treats if you have them every day. Okay, I get that. I stopped buying them.

I came home from the cruise up a bit in weight, but in a good frame of mind. After losing 4-point something of the 6 pounds without effort (just going back to how I had been eating). I didn't expect to struggle with the remainder. A pre-meeting discussion with other members last week shined a light on what might be problem.

Ever want some chocolate, something that feels like ice cream or candy or maybe salty snacks are your downfall? You don't want to cave and dive into a vat of ice cream or the family size bag of chips and sometimes distracting yourself just isn't working. I lost 85 pounds on the Points Plus program and that was eating frozen treats almost every day of the week. Since being home from the cruise I've been subconsciously looking for them. Some nights I ate fruit, fruit and more fruit. Healthier than candy but in excess and still not satisfying my craving. When I say craving, I'm sure it was mental as much if not more than physical. Other nights I had something not at all good points-wise, such as a package of Pop Tarts. I don't even truly like Pop Tarts but I was like a junkie looking for a fix.

On the way home from last Monday's meetings, I bought my usual stock of fruits, veggies and dairy and included two types of WW frozen treats. Not only are they greater in point value now, they are much smaller. Bummer........BUT....get this: they satisfied that urge the three nights I had them this past week and I was down 2 pounds this morning.

As I have said before, Weight Watchers works but I am not a model member. I don't do everything by the book. Everyone has to find out what works for them. The WW treats help me by being instant portion control and in truth, since I rarely go into extra weekly points, I can afford them. Now that that they are back in the house I have given myself permission to have them, I don't think I will crave them the way I did the past month.

Minds can be funny things to figure out, even when they're our own.

I'm hoping, as I slip into the future, to reach my goal by my anniversary date on June 2nd. If I don't make it by then, I'll still be okay. As the saying goes:

Eighty-five point four stars of lost weight is out there, reminding me how strong I am, what I've learned and how far I've come.

Yay me!

Consequences, Life and Balance

The good news is that I lost 4.6 pounds of the 6.4 pound vacation gain. I still firmly believe that part of that was water retention from more sodium than normal the last few days before weighing in, but obviously I am happy with the loss.

The bad news? There is no bad news.

I splurged not only on vacation but at a family birthday celebration last week. I had two Coney dogs minus buns, ice cream for dessert and a Miller Lite that evening. Perhaps paring that down and skipping some of the chocolate floating around due to Valentine's Day, I would have lost the whole amount gained but I am okay with what I've done.

I have more weight to lose so I'm not in maintenance mode but I am learning how far I can stray when the occasion arises. Sometimes the best choice will still be a high number of WW points but there is more to life than counting points. Don't get me wrong, they ARE important but we do have our weekly reserve that we can dip into, and sometimes a person just has to do something off the chart.

The consequences of overeating is weight gain. I don't plan to do this often, I've worked too hard to get this far.

Life is to be lived. That doesn't mean eat whatever you want all the time or you'll gain an unhealthy amount of weight again and that will shorten the life you are anxious to enjoy living.

Balance is not a cookie in each hand, as tempting at that can sound. Balance is knowing when you can take a cookie, eat it and not slide back into bad habits (I could have sworn that column of Oreos was full a minute ago!) and when you need to remind yourself that you don't really need that cookie. It is just a cookie. It is not unconditional love. It is not world peace, the cure for dreaded diseases or anything at all magical. Balance is enjoying it if you do decide to eat it, but knowing having four more won't improve the taste you had with that first bite.

Onward and downward.

After the cruise...

Our vacation was wonderful.   Wonder. Full.    Won. Der. Full.   However you spell it or break it down, it was great.

While I didn't track, I was aware of what I ate, even the days I had ice cream numerous times. Yes, a cruise can be a dangerous place for a weight watcher, but I gave myself permission to cut loose and found that I didn't eat as much as I thought I might. I just plain don't feel good if I am too full and lord knows I don't want to outgrow my clothes!

At Monday's weigh in I was up 6.4 pounds. Based on how I feel this morning and by our home scale, I think part of that was water retention. My fingers felt pudgy on Monday and that is a definite sign for me. I'll know for sure how much damage my vacation did at my next weigh in. I have gone back to my new normal this week, nothing drastic to undo those 6 pounds. This is life. It will happen from time to time but I won't let it happen week after week.

 

Feeling regal enough to wear horizontal stripes later at Pirate Night on the Disney Cruise

 

With my favorite beach buddies

For my so-called friend who informed that I'd never get rid of the excess skin without surgery: See those bat wings (as you referred to them)? Bite them you lousy nay-sayer. I don't give a bat wing or a rat's hind end what you think. Don't like them? Look away. 

 

Rare moments with my mouth closed (not smiling or laughing) although I do appear to me smirking in the first photo. I bet I was thinking that ice cream weight surely melts in the sun!